How to Support a Family With a Drug Addiction?
The best way to help a person in any given situation is to first understand them and the situation they’re in.
“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they are falling in.” – Desmond Tutu.
Some people use substances for recreational purposes with no addictive effects whatsoever, such as on weekends with friends, to relax after a long day of work, to celebrate, etc. However, some other people use the same substances in an addictive, more dependable, and consistent way, and more regularly.
They might lie to use as such uses are frowned upon, they might steal to be able to buy drugs, they might ditch family and friends gatherings to get high, they might even isolate themselves. They can also face several physiological and health problems that the substance might have on their bodies.
An addiction is any behavior, substance related or not, that a person craves, engages in, finds a temporary pleasure or relief in, and suffers negative consequences in the long term, and is still unable to give up.
“I’m a firm believer in the power of peer supporters, the experts by experience. According to Peer Support Canada, “Peer support is emotional and practical support between two people who share a common experience, such as mental health challenge or illness. A Peer Supporter has lived through that similar experience, and is trained to support others.” — Dr Zeina Moukarzel, LAMSA Founder
There are a lot of misconceptions around addiction and the most famous ones are the following:
- Addiction is a choice that a person makes
- Addiction is a lack of willpower
- Addiction is a genetic inherited disease
- Addiction is incurable because it’s inherited in the genes
How to approach a person suffering from addiction?
First and foremost, we should approach them from a non-judgmental and compassionate place, and thoroughly investigate to understand why they are using.
If we were to ask people suffering from addiction these questions, the most common answers would be to escape from undesirable situations and feelings, to focus, calm down, feel more connected to oneself and others, to feel happier or excited.
These are normal human aspirations and to want them is actually normal. It is really difficult to go on in life without them.
So what is the actual problem?
The real question is what happened to these individuals that they feel so disconnected or unable to focus?
The human brain develops in interaction with the environment.
We are not born with the actual brain systems and pathways related to connection, focus, regulation, pleasure and excitement. Rather, we are born with the potential for them to develop.
According to research, the most important critical influence on the physiological development of the human brain is the mutual responsiveness of adult-child relationship. The way a parent is able to connect with their infant and their needs is the dominant influence on the development of all these brain pathways related to connection, focus, pleasure, and excitement.
By connection and responsiveness, it is not meant how much a parent loves their children, but rather how attuned and responsive they are to their emotional and physiological needs.
Therefore, a child exposed to as little as one adverse childhood experience (ACEs) is at high risk of not developing the proper brain pathways and mechanisms that we need as human beings.
ACEs are any kind of physical, sexual, emotional abuse towards the child or one of the parents. Examples range from emotional and physical neglect towards the child; a parent suffering from a mental illness or exposed to severe and acute stress during pregnancy and early childhood years or even divorce; or a parent sent to jail. The death of a parent can also affect the offspring.
Again, a parent might love their child more than themselves sometimes, but because of certain situations or stresses, they might not be able to attune to their children’s needs as much as is needed in order to attain a healthy brain development. For instance, when the mother is stressed, her infant is stressed as well.
On another hand, brain development depends not on one’s genes solely, but rather on the interaction between them and the individual’s environment. The most impactful criteria is the responsiveness and receptiveness of the parent child relationship, especially during early childhood. So what we are talking about here is attunement, this is what shapes the physiology of the brain. The issue is not whether they feel love for their child but rather the parent’s ability to attune with the child from a loving place.
So, these people whose brain physiology has been affected by any of the reasons just mentioned above are therefore carrying a lot of emotional pain: their physiology is not fully balanced, making them prone to develop addiction later on.
This is what addiction is all about. It’s not an inherited genetic disease, nor is it a lack of will power: addiction is a physiological and psychological compensation for life stresses.
How to support a family exposed to addiction?
On one hand, help the family members understand that the problem is not an individual one, but a family matter. Help them be invested and understand better the person suffering from the addiction. Start by clarifying that it started as an attempt to solve a problem, such as an inability to focus, to feel connected, to feel pleasure, joy, excitement, or to escape from unbearable life stresses and pain. Therefore, not blaming them for not being able to give it up. Most importantly, help them see that the same person is still inside, somewhere behind all of these destructive behaviors.
On a crucial note, siblings do share environments as a result of growing up in the same family, household, and school, with the same parents, and within the same socio-economic status. However, in most cases, they do develop very different personalities due to what is called the non-shared environments of each child. This results from being born at different times, and having different temperaments; therefore, siblings might react differently to similar situations. They might have different roles and expectations within the family according to their role in it (such as being the first born, having specific gender-related roles, etc.)
Another important point is, to be careful of the denial of the situation. Most of the time, there are a lot of cues that show that the person is not doing okay that are often ignored.
On another hand, addiction is a family matter “even if it only directly affects one particular person”: the whole family is affected in one way or another. For the families and peers supporting the person suffering from addiction, it is extremely recommended to take care of oneself during the whole process, as assisting someone suffering from any mental illness is draining.
“Whatever you do out there in the world, do an equal amount of work internally. Because if you don’t, your work in the world will not be as effective.” – Gabor Mate.
To conclude, addiction is not a choice, nor is it a lack of will power.
While some genetic predispositions do exist, addiction is not a solely genetic inherited disease. A child reared in a healthy, stress-free environment with attuned, loving, and responsive parents has as much a chance of not developing addiction as a child with no genetic predispositions, which is a very low percentage.
Addiction is more of a physiological and psychological compensation for life stresses.
Addiction is curable, with the right interventions in a safe environment. Even if ACEs affected the brain development early on, neural plasticity can still take over. The latter is defined by the ability of the nervous system to change its activity and connections in response to intrinsic or extrinsic stimuli, such as change in environment, (into a healthier one), long term therapy, meditations, prayers, physical activities, etc.
Last but not least, reach out for help: there are people out there who can support you and your loved ones.
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References
https://developingchild.harvard.edu/science/key-concepts/brain-architecture/
From the training: Compassionate inquiry professional training, by Dr Gabor Maté
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